Healing the Orphan Spirit- Part 1- Men and Marriage
Healing the Orphan Spirit- Part I
Men and Marriage
By Ron Wood
My wife and I watched the video, An Unfinished Life, starring Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez, and Morgan Freeman. This film portrayed the agony of a man who had lost his beloved son, then had to overcome the anger in his heart so that he could again become the kind of man who was able to show love to his family. He was a good man but eaten up inside. Like a wild bear, anger can devour us.
A missing element in many families is a good man. A good man with integrity can provide a stable environment as he fulfills the role of faithful husband and loving father. His presence in the home provides something that is irreplaceable. Just like the Marines, the Lord is looking for a few good men to recruit into his kingdom.
I grew up in a home where the only emotion my Dad displayed was anger. He had a violent temper that raged out of control when he was drunk. He was a brilliant leader at work and could handle any crisis, but at home he was tormented by his own demons.
On one side of the living room, Dad sat forward in his recliner with a lit cigarette sending a slow plume of smoke toward the ceiling from his nicotine-stained fingers. His right index finger was short by one knuckle, having been cut off in an accident. Beside him was a hotel-sized ash tray with an open carton of Salems on the table beneath the lamp. Directly across from him was the big color television that was always turned on. At most meal times, Dad wanted food brought to him on a TV tray. Later, when I was newly married and my wife set the table for a lovely meal for us, I was impressed!
Across the room my mother sat on her sofa with several Bibles stacked up beside her along with some Oral Roberts commentaries. Mom was a deeply committed Christian. The Lord had healed her of TB. She had started the prayer chain at her church that eventually saw thousands of answers to prayers. Stretched across the back of the sofa was her five-foot long white sign with twelve-inch tall letters from the Red Cross where she was an instructor. It read, "Thank You for Not Smoking!" They were quite a pair.
I caught some things from my parents, some good and some bad. Most of us do. Without realizing it, I grew up with a smoldering anger laced with embedded shame. In addition to that quick temper, I also developed a very deep love for the Lord and for His word.
The anger inside me came from two sources. One was ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. God gave me a great intellect but a short attention span. I kept feeling constant frustration with myself over my inability to finish projects due to being easily distracted. I could make straight A’s at school anytime I set my mind to it, but I had too many interests. Later as an adult, I was diagnosed and learned coping skills and accepted medical treatment (see Random Notes on ADD available on my website).
But most of my anger and low-level depression came from being shamed as a child. You must understand that shaming a child always produces low self-esteem and self-hatred. Shaming and blaming are never good discipline tools, just forms of verbal abuse.
My shame was not from his words toward me but from his life lived in front of me. What I saw made me feel ashamed. I grew up with a constant dread of his explosive temper, and a continual question of what kind of Daddy would I see when I came home from school? Would I see the capable leader who could manage hundreds of men as he supervised a complex mining operation? A self-educated man who could intelligently discuss any current news topic? Or a brilliant man who could skillfully write poetry at the drop of a hat? Or would I find my Dad disheveled, lying drunken in a stupor, filthy with his own vomit? Would he be the dad we had to help stagger from the bar and carry home to his bed? It was never safe for me to bring friends over to my house.
Until I got healed of shame by Father-God’s agape kind of abba love, until I faced and got rid of the fear of my father’s anger, I wasn’t a whole man. Part of me was locked up inside. Despite being a Christian and a pastor, this emotional pain affected all of my relationships at home and at church. I had to learn through my experiences, by God’s grace, about being a whole man and about becoming a good father.
God is in the business of turning unsaved, carnal, selfish men into Christian men worthy of his kingdom; into Godly followers of Christ, faithful husbands, and effective fathers. God loves men and wants their dignity restored so they can earn and deserve respect. God loves women and children and wants every woman to know a representation of his husbanding care and every child to know a representation of his fatherly love.
I know a woman who lived in New Orleans years ago. She ran away from an abusive husband with her small son and was divorced. In her distress, she fell in with the wrong crowd, got careless in her behavior, and became pregnant by another man. What should she do? This was years ago when the stigma of having a baby out of wedlock was a great scandal. When the young man heard she was pregnant, he hopped on a plane and flew home to Arizona. She followed him, confronted him, and said "This baby will have a father and will not be illegitimate!" They were married, she returned to New Orleans where she gave birth to the baby, and then filed for divorce. At least her baby was not a bastard.
Her sister in Mississippi, married for two years but still childless, heard of her plight. She and her husband agreed to take the baby and adopt it. They gave her a new name, Lana, and raised her as their own in a new home with a father who happened to be a preacher and a mother who was his hard-working partner. God’s redemptive love kept that little girl from being raised without a daddy and instead gave her exceptional poise and self-confidence. I know… I’ve been her husband for thirty-seven years!
Real fatherhood is a spiritual connection-- a deliberate relationship-- even more than it is a biological event. I honor Lana’s adoptive father, Rev. Douglas Stone, for raising a lovely woman who loves Christ and who is my partner in life and in the Lord’s work.
Lana grew up knowing she was adopted. Her parents had prepared her with information that became more complete over time. She always felt she was special because she was selected on purpose. She has never felt the need for tracking down her biological father. Lana says, "I have a Daddy and I know who he is." It’s the same way with God. "The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God." (Romans 8.16) To our Heavenly Father, each of his children is his favorite! We are not an accident, but are chosen, wanted, dearly loved, and especially adopted by our Father in heaven.
Men and Marriage
By Ron Wood
My wife and I watched the video, An Unfinished Life, starring Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez, and Morgan Freeman. This film portrayed the agony of a man who had lost his beloved son, then had to overcome the anger in his heart so that he could again become the kind of man who was able to show love to his family. He was a good man but eaten up inside. Like a wild bear, anger can devour us.
A missing element in many families is a good man. A good man with integrity can provide a stable environment as he fulfills the role of faithful husband and loving father. His presence in the home provides something that is irreplaceable. Just like the Marines, the Lord is looking for a few good men to recruit into his kingdom.
I grew up in a home where the only emotion my Dad displayed was anger. He had a violent temper that raged out of control when he was drunk. He was a brilliant leader at work and could handle any crisis, but at home he was tormented by his own demons.
On one side of the living room, Dad sat forward in his recliner with a lit cigarette sending a slow plume of smoke toward the ceiling from his nicotine-stained fingers. His right index finger was short by one knuckle, having been cut off in an accident. Beside him was a hotel-sized ash tray with an open carton of Salems on the table beneath the lamp. Directly across from him was the big color television that was always turned on. At most meal times, Dad wanted food brought to him on a TV tray. Later, when I was newly married and my wife set the table for a lovely meal for us, I was impressed!
Across the room my mother sat on her sofa with several Bibles stacked up beside her along with some Oral Roberts commentaries. Mom was a deeply committed Christian. The Lord had healed her of TB. She had started the prayer chain at her church that eventually saw thousands of answers to prayers. Stretched across the back of the sofa was her five-foot long white sign with twelve-inch tall letters from the Red Cross where she was an instructor. It read, "Thank You for Not Smoking!" They were quite a pair.
I caught some things from my parents, some good and some bad. Most of us do. Without realizing it, I grew up with a smoldering anger laced with embedded shame. In addition to that quick temper, I also developed a very deep love for the Lord and for His word.
The anger inside me came from two sources. One was ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. God gave me a great intellect but a short attention span. I kept feeling constant frustration with myself over my inability to finish projects due to being easily distracted. I could make straight A’s at school anytime I set my mind to it, but I had too many interests. Later as an adult, I was diagnosed and learned coping skills and accepted medical treatment (see Random Notes on ADD available on my website).
But most of my anger and low-level depression came from being shamed as a child. You must understand that shaming a child always produces low self-esteem and self-hatred. Shaming and blaming are never good discipline tools, just forms of verbal abuse.
My shame was not from his words toward me but from his life lived in front of me. What I saw made me feel ashamed. I grew up with a constant dread of his explosive temper, and a continual question of what kind of Daddy would I see when I came home from school? Would I see the capable leader who could manage hundreds of men as he supervised a complex mining operation? A self-educated man who could intelligently discuss any current news topic? Or a brilliant man who could skillfully write poetry at the drop of a hat? Or would I find my Dad disheveled, lying drunken in a stupor, filthy with his own vomit? Would he be the dad we had to help stagger from the bar and carry home to his bed? It was never safe for me to bring friends over to my house.
Until I got healed of shame by Father-God’s agape kind of abba love, until I faced and got rid of the fear of my father’s anger, I wasn’t a whole man. Part of me was locked up inside. Despite being a Christian and a pastor, this emotional pain affected all of my relationships at home and at church. I had to learn through my experiences, by God’s grace, about being a whole man and about becoming a good father.
God is in the business of turning unsaved, carnal, selfish men into Christian men worthy of his kingdom; into Godly followers of Christ, faithful husbands, and effective fathers. God loves men and wants their dignity restored so they can earn and deserve respect. God loves women and children and wants every woman to know a representation of his husbanding care and every child to know a representation of his fatherly love.
I know a woman who lived in New Orleans years ago. She ran away from an abusive husband with her small son and was divorced. In her distress, she fell in with the wrong crowd, got careless in her behavior, and became pregnant by another man. What should she do? This was years ago when the stigma of having a baby out of wedlock was a great scandal. When the young man heard she was pregnant, he hopped on a plane and flew home to Arizona. She followed him, confronted him, and said "This baby will have a father and will not be illegitimate!" They were married, she returned to New Orleans where she gave birth to the baby, and then filed for divorce. At least her baby was not a bastard.
Her sister in Mississippi, married for two years but still childless, heard of her plight. She and her husband agreed to take the baby and adopt it. They gave her a new name, Lana, and raised her as their own in a new home with a father who happened to be a preacher and a mother who was his hard-working partner. God’s redemptive love kept that little girl from being raised without a daddy and instead gave her exceptional poise and self-confidence. I know… I’ve been her husband for thirty-seven years!
Real fatherhood is a spiritual connection-- a deliberate relationship-- even more than it is a biological event. I honor Lana’s adoptive father, Rev. Douglas Stone, for raising a lovely woman who loves Christ and who is my partner in life and in the Lord’s work.
Lana grew up knowing she was adopted. Her parents had prepared her with information that became more complete over time. She always felt she was special because she was selected on purpose. She has never felt the need for tracking down her biological father. Lana says, "I have a Daddy and I know who he is." It’s the same way with God. "The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God." (Romans 8.16) To our Heavenly Father, each of his children is his favorite! We are not an accident, but are chosen, wanted, dearly loved, and especially adopted by our Father in heaven.
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